You can't commit to me because I'm not a psycho? Wait,did I miss something?

Why do men like bitches? The only reason I can fathom is the presence of a challenge. Men are more like women than they realize. Women go for the bad boys because they think that their love and their love alone can change him. Men go for bitches because they think if they can tame the barncat within they will have a prize to show to all their friends.

How the hell does that work? In relationships I have been selfless, not a doormat but incredibly flexable. Maybe even a tad needy yes, but only because of my desire to please him. I let him come and go as he would please, shower him with affection of all kinds and give him everything he would ask for. What do I get in return. DUMPED. The second I try for the slightest bit of commitment I get shown the door. My bestfriend summed it up for me like this, "Guys always whine about how they wanna find that one awesome girl, well honey your it and that scares the hell out of them." So, let me get this straight, I'm too wonderful? Nuh-uh. Not buying it. I have flaws, I know I have them but the extent of which I've been burned in previous relationships doesn't come close to matching up with my flaws. Its seems like I'm always getting the guy who only realizes after we get together that he still has way too many issues and that I'm not just a girl you want to fuck and forget.

Case in point of my ex boyfriend. We met during one of his (many) partyboy phases. We clicked totally and it was kismit. By day three he dropped the L bomb. The first time in my young life I have ever heard and actually felt those words. I was on cloud nine. Fast forward two weeks later and he tells me that he would in short, rather be single and fuck other girls because "he might miss out on something better"...oh well that makes it all better. So instead of severing ties, we keep in touch, close touch. In fact we still talk,cry,laugh and have sex. Its the greatest non-relationship I've ever had. It has also provided some of the most excruciating,painful moments of my life. There have been moments in which I have felt such intense feelings that I have actually vomited for lack of knowing what else to do. I stopped crying a long time ago out of sorrow because I realized that after a while you just get cried out.

So why do I keep going back? Comfort,insecurity,love. When you've been intimate with someone for a while, they know you. They know your body,they know the way you think and what makes you tick. The insecurity of myself, of my body which I constantly fight to accept. He does and that is such a comfort to be able to let go of those issues. The insecurity that I will never find anyone better, anyone that I could feel that way about and know they feel that way about me. Lastly, Love. Everyone longs to hear those words. That they, in all of their flaws, the moments when they look like crap or are being drunk and obnoxious. The moments that nobody else in the world sees, they just want to hear that somebody loves them for that. He did. I think part of him still does, maybe more than he's willing to admit at times.

There is also the physical aspect. I would be lying if I said it was all emotional. Good sex is good sex. Having someone know you and your body, knowing how to move and the way you both go together is worth its weight in gold. He is amazing in bed, which I know is because of all his "experiance" but I think its also just us. Some of the most intense powerfull moments between us have been in bed. One of these moments was when he told me he loved me for the first time. I will never ever forget that. Another moment was one of extreme sadness that exploded into such sheer raw emotion, that is was so powerful the thought of it still brings tears to my eyes. It was shortly after a tragedy that occured between the two of us, where a sad difficult choice was made. I was sure that the outcome of that would end anything that was still there between us. I was so very wrong. As we layed there crying, we made love. Not had sex, made love. It was the one and only time I think I was ever sure that I had a soul. A real soul that was comming out to bond with another. I don't know if I will ever feel that way again.

In fairness to him, I can understand his fears about relationships, like most people he has been hurt. Badly. He has that one person in his life who scared him so deeply that how he acts is a direct outcome of what he does now. Even with me, he won't admit it but he couldn't help but punish me at times for things she did and he expected I would do. I tried as hard as I could to not be like her. Sometimes trying isn't enough. Also to his credit (he has a history of cheating, then and now on girlfriends) broke up with me before he cheated. Not that I can congradulate that all that much. How could you just stop loving someone? I fight with the answers to that question everyday. I've been told a million times that it was never love, it was all about sex and I have served my purpose. My head would take that to make it easier but to this day, my heart still can't. I know he meant it. I don't care what anyone else says, they weren't there. They didn't see his eyes inches away from mine, they didn't feel his heart beating through my cheast, they didn't feel the passion of that singular moment where time stood still.

I'm tired.... to be continued. If anyone cares. I'm not really writing it for anyone else anyway.